Don’t self-coach before reading this.
The Momentum Files #23
One of my favorite things to do is to help my clients (high achieving and executive level professionals) get crystal-clear on what they want and how to go about getting it.
(One of my other favorite things to do is to get my hands dirty in my tomato garden.)
What I’ve learned is that no matter what we’re doing (or trying to do), we all experience setbacks, challenges, forks in the road … and even failures.
This is inevitable.
Whether you’re trying to grow the most impressive tomatoes ever – or working to land that perfect-fit job – occasional disappointment is part of the process.
What matters is how we get ourselves through these situations.
When you’re stuck in a pocket of self-doubt and uncertainty, it’s easy to simply stay there. Climbing out takes awareness and effort. And sometimes, that can feel like too much.
And sometimes, we fall into these pockets at the most inconvenient times. Times when we don’t have immediate access to a business coach (or master tomato-gardener!).
This is why I love to help people learn to self-coach – in a way that feels good and works over time (what I’m about to share is no magic quick-fix – it’s a way to train your brain to manage challenging situations).
Self-coaching is all about the questions you ask yourself!
In a tough situation, you’ve probably asked yourself questions that made you feel worse:
Why am I so bad at this?
What is wrong with me?
How come I keep failing at things?
To become a reliable and trustworthy self-coach, you can learn to ask yourself better questions. The 5 questions that I’m about to share are solution-focused and will set you up for success.
When you make it a habit to ask yourself these questions in challenging times, you’ll feel more in control and will be able to think more clearly and thoughtfully about what you want to do.
Pro Tip: Ask yourself any of these questions when things are calm and quiet (right before bed, during a shower, on a walk, etc.). Clarity will rise to the surface sooner!
Another Pro Tip: If you prefer a more formal way of doing things, write these questions down, talk them out with a coach or friend and keep your notes within easy reach.
Question #1: What is it that I’m not getting about this situation?
Training your brain to: Look for clarity and understanding. Clear out the fluff and emotional clutter and look at what’s real vs. imagined. Get the specifics (who, what, where, when, how) and identify practical information.
Another way to ask: What is really happening here?
➡️ Tip: Put on your investigator pants and look for the facts (just the facts, ma’am.).
Question #2: What have I contributed to the creation of this situation?
Training your brain to: Focus on the WHAT and not the HOW. HOW sends you into a whirlpool of blame and judgement. WHAT allows for self-reflection, looking at resources and what you own in this situation.
Another way to ask: What am I contributing to this? What part am I playing?
➡️ Tip: Consider whether you might be ignoring something that you don’t feel comfortable facing.
Question #3: What am I pretending not to know about this situation?
(This is my FAVORITE coaching question!)
Training your brain to: Shine a light on your situation in a way that is not judgmental or blame-y. Step back from your own narrative and consider what else could be
happening. Recognize that you are part of the situation and have some ownership there (without beating yourself up … because we’ve all been here!).
Another way to ask: Am I rewriting the narrative to avoid accountability?
➡️ Tip: Removing any avoidance or “pretending” is a powerful thing to do and requires a level of trust and a safe space where you are comfortable opening this door.
Question #4: What steps will it take for solutions to happen?
Training your brain to: Kick you into action! Break things down into smaller, more manageable tasks and focus on your next steps (our brains can’t always compute the entire forest, but they can see individual trees).
Another way to ask: What is my next move? What is the one step I can take now?
➡️ Tip: Focus on smaller, easy-to-digest tasks to start making immediate progress and find your motivation again.
Question #5: What is right about this that I’m not seeing?
Training your brain to: Trigger a state of solution-finding and gratitude. Focus on the good stuff (I promise there is at least one good reward in there somewhere!). Be more proactive and creative – which leads to an easier time getting unstuck. Identifying options that serve you in a better way.
Another way to ask: Where is the hidden good in this?
➡️ Tip: Giving yourself even the smallest amount of grace when you’re struggling will help you take a step forward.
When you ask yourself these powerhouse questions, you activate your confidence, build momentum and motivate yourself to pursue any goal (even those that feel out of reach).
Remember that there is no pressure to come up with fast answers. Fast is not the point. The point is to condition your brain to think and explore in different – and better – ways!
Which question is your favorite? Reply and let me know!